I hate needles. I really fucking hate needles.

It's been awhile since I last posted. I've been busy with a new job and haven't had that much spare time anymore(By spare time, please read: "my old job had open net access and I goofed off all day"). Thing is, I had a spare moment and decided to share with you an interesting fact about me.

I hate needles. Those of you who know me personally say: "But you have ink and piercings. Those are needles too." First off, fuck you. Fuck you long and hard. Fuck you with the rakey end of a rake. It is not the same deal. I can tell you from personal experience that you barely feel the needle used to pierce. And the sensation when getting tattooed is more like being scratched than being stabbed by a needle that is supposedly "hygenic" and "clean".

But no. It isnt so much the having the needle in my arm part that gets me. Its the blood. My blood belongs inside me. If it belonged outside me, it wouldn't be sealed away in my circulatory system, now would it?

The reason for this rant is that because of the new job I had to take a dope test. Now in the past whenever a dope test was in order, my pee(which belongs outside of me) is all that is required. But no! These bitches wanted not only me pee, but my blood and a complete physical! What, am I joining the marines or something?

I was not told about the blood part. So I get to the place and this nurse (or so she claimed) starts asking me to roll up my sleeves. Then out came the evil tool from the depths of hell. I bit my lip and looked the other way. She starts saying that my blood wont come out.

THAT'S CAUSE IT BELONGS INSIDE ME! CAN I STRESS THIS ENOUGH?!

She's loving this shit. Fucking sadist. Then she sticks me in the back of my hand and has the audacity to blame me for this, claiming I should relax.

RELAX?!

How am I supposed to relax when you are fucking stealing that which makes my body function?

How, I ask you! How?

So I looked her square in the eyes and let her have it:

"You're mean!"

Oh yeah, I said it.

So this bitch finally finished the harvesting and I could only assume she was gonna drink the stuff in order to take my wisdom and bravery (fuck you, by the way). Not statisfied with this she wants me to pee in a cup. A CUP! What is wrong with these people?

So when I give her the urine I make sure to ask her in my snidest tone of voice: "Any other bodily fluids you may require of me? Cause I can only think of one more, and I'd make you extract that one yourself."

I'm smooth like peanut butter.

She looked at me all like "Oh, I crave your cock!" and then told me to restrain myself or she'd have to call "security". Whatever the hell that means.

Finally the crazy fucker tells me to have a nice day. Thats right: Have a nice fucking day. Well, I would, sweetheart, I really would. But it's hard to have a nice day when you kick it off by getting jabbed twice and having your life esscence removed from you.

I hate needles. I really fucking hate needles.

-Sigo siendo rico, sigo siendo suave

Tercelbot! Go!... Transform... Ih-wa-ah-ih! no? fucker.

After seeing Transformers I am convinced that there is no reason why my 95 Tercel isn't an autobot. There is definitely "more than meets the eye" to the little guy. I just don't get why he won't transform. No matter how nicely I ask. He just isn't having it.

It would be so awesome if it would just transform already! Oh the sweet revenge that would befall my nemeses. Ok... So I don't really have nemeses. I don't even really have a nemesis. Single. But, there are a bunch of people who piss me off on a regular basis that could stand to be taken down a few notches.

Fuck yeah. Come to think of it, he wouldn't really be such a tall dude. I mean honestly, its a fucking Tercel. The tallest he could become would be like about 18 feet high. But still, it's enough to do some damage!

Come on Tercelbot! Move out! We got asses to kick! Names to take! Well, I've tried asking nicely. I've tried motivating him with the appeal of bloodshed. I'm gonna go drive him off a cliff. That'll get him to transform. Or make me plummet to my death.

I really hope its the first one. Not so much because of the death part. I'm just not a big fan of plummeting.

-Sigo siendo rico, sigo siendo suave

Outrunning Mandingo

We had a show to play. We didn't really feel like it though. Really, we just wanted to turn tail and get-a- drinkin'. We should have. We could have. We Eastwoodave. Wait. What was I talking about?

Anyway. It was a two hour drive to San Sebastián. After taking the off-ramp from state road #2 (hehe) to hick road #111 we drove for about another 10 minutes. We really should have just turned around. At kilometer 15.4 we hang a right. We are now on an unidentified dark lonesome road. I turn to my buddy Wilfred and tell him: "Dude, we gots to be careful. Mandingo may jump out of the darkness and rape us." We laughed at my clever jab at backwoods homoerotic rape (Man, I am oh so very clever).

It was rather faint at first. We could barely hear it. But it sounded like gigantic footsteps. Suddenly on the roof of the car we heard a slam. We looked back and there was nothing but darkness. I turned on the indoor light and looked back. There were strange looking wrinkles on the rear window. Yet they were somehow familiar. It hit me all of a sudden! "It's a scrotum!"-I shouted at Wil-"Pedal to the metal!".

Mandingo had found us and he was thirsty for supple young rocker mangina. "I'm a gonna git you, honky!" I breathed a sigh of relief. Wilfred was the one getting the ass-reaming, not me. "You too, nigga!" Fuck.

When I looked back, I saw that it wasn't footsteps that I heard, but Mandingo's dick crashing on the ground with each step. I have never been so terrified in all my life. We were desperately trying to outrun Mandingo in a 2003 Dodge Neon. I turned to Wil and panicked I said: "This is it man, we're fucked. (no pun intended)".

The ground shaking thumping stopped and upon looking in the rear view mirror we were relieved to see that it appeared Mandingo had given up. But we were wrong. Oh, how wrong we were, with the wrongness. We kept driving. We still had a show to play. Besides, we were going in the direction opposite to that from which Mandingo came. So it must have been better than anywhere else we could be going.

It began to rain. A bolt of lightning. A clap of thunder and a tree falls from the side of the road. We decided to try and go around it. When suddenly I knew what lay before us. Not a tree, no. A giant black penis. Mandingo's penis! It had branches! The branches were smaller penises. Well, smaller in comparison to the one they were attached to. They still rivaled even my own quite impressive johnson by human standards. But this wasn't human. It couldn't be! No man is that well-endowed (that's fancy talk for "hung"). We turned right around in a desperate attempt to flee when we heard a Pee-wee Herman-esque shout: "Ahhhhhh!"

I realized something... Mandingo's penis was the one doing the actual shouting and talking! I swear to MacGuyver! The urethra was opening and closing and speech came out!

CRASH! Right on the hood of the car.

Darkness.

When I came to I could hear music in the background. It was Air Supply's "All out of love" I looked around. I quickly reached in the back of my pants and felt my asshole for any rips. To one side of the clearing there was a bright light. Wil! Where was he? Did he boldly sacrifice his bunghole for my safety? "Wil!" I shouted. I got up and stumbled upon some Astroglide, a ball gag, and a pack of magnums. This did not bode well. "Wil!" Where was he?! "Dude, chill I'm right here." He was holding a video camera. "Dude what are you? Scorsese? You had me worried. What's up with that anyway?" he replied "Dude, we had it all wrong. He just needed a camera crew. Check it out."

I will never see Paul Reuben with the same eyes. That's for sure.

Darkness. (God, I hate this LOTR epilogue shit!)

"Dude, wake up. We're here."

When I look up I see Wil. We're in front of the bar were playing tonight. "Dude, was I asleep?" I queried. "Yeah man, you kept on shielding your ass with your hands for some reason. Funny shit." I laughed! "So it was all a dream! No Mandingo! No giant penis! No Pee-wee! C'mon man! We got a show to play!" I reached to the back seat to grab my hat, but found a box of some kind. Condoms. "Dude! I did not need to find this!" When I showed him, he looked at me and whimpered: "Bro, those aren't mine. Those are magnums."


Darkness.


Man, I really gotta lay off the NyQuil/Jagermeister combo.


-Sigo siendo rico, sigo siendo suave

I'm craving a bacon cheeseburger now. (and tennis just became a hell of a lot more interesting)

Thanks to Diana for the link. What can I say? It's pigs. No blanket, no bay. Just pigs. And paint. I dunno. I just dont really find this as cute as some of the readers did. Really. Aw look. It's little piggies makin' a mess. Get the camera! Better yet! Get the canvas! People will actually buy this shit!

Yeah, I know it says that the money goes to a charity of some sort. But that just reminds me of my hatred of charity. You just know that someone is wetting their beak! Those pigs would be put to better use in a sandwich. Be it in spam or bacon form. Preferably bacon. Bacon is good. And I'm pretty sure it cures cancer. Not that I actually had the experience of having cancer cured by bacon. But c'mon! It's bacon! Bacon can do no wrong! Its all crispy and tasty. Oh yes.

There was a point here somwhere.

Anyway. Charity sucks. Bacon Rules. Piggies are food. I have a newfound love of tennis. The skirts reveal tight little sports panties. And the brits call 'em "knickers" which is just adorable!

-Sigo siendo rico, sigo siendo suave

8 Things about me

• I am awesome. This is indisputable. I do awesome things. Say awesome things and am generally awesome. You should know this first and foremost. Once you internalize this fact, things will go much more smoothly between us.

• I am incredibly funny. If you do not find me amusing and funny there is something wrong with you. See your physician. My wit is timeless. I kept my babysitters in stitches and then they would try and sleep with me. Too bad they were mostly family members.

• Sexiness thy name is Julio. Not much more to it.

• I am addicted to Red Bull and Cadbury eggs. Thanks to this webcomic (and in part to my willingness to succumb to product placement) I now have a dependancy on Red Bull mostly. I go through a not very pretty Cadbury egg withdrawl when they go out of season.

• Scrubs is one of the best shows on tv, period. If you disagree, there is a very strong possibility that you may in fact be clinically retarded. Don't feel bad. You won't be ostracized by your peers too much.

• Homophobia is stupid. The way I see it, the more guys that like it in the butt, the more women left in the world for me. Besides, I have no idea how to look good. Gay guys help with that. Or not. They may be making me look incredibly foolish. There's more than one way to screw someone.

• There is but one thing I fear. My girlfriend. The best thing you can do with your life in order to live long enough to not want to live anymore is to know your limitations. If you ever commit to a serious relationship, learn this and learn it quickly: She is right and you are wrong. Always. Any deviation from this rule of thumb will evolve into an argument that will get really old, really quick like.

• I am awesome. It bears repeating.

-Sigo siendo rico, sigo siendo suave

Duck, Duck, Grey Goose

Talking to my buddy Ramon, we came up with possibly the greatest most potentially messy drinking game since beer pong.

Remember that childhood classic, duck duck goose? Add a bottle of Grey Goose(eventually as with all drinking games, one will become more flexible and allow any vodka, soon giving way to anything with alcohol in it.) Everyone starts sober, sitting in a circle. You choose whoever is going to be it first by drawing straws or whatever. That person will then proceed to play regular duck duck duck duck GREY GOOSE! The grey goose will then proceed to take a shot of vodka, spin around three times on a baseball bat and then chase the first person around. The game ends when either the alcohol does or when everyone is shit-faced passed out.


This has great potential! After an hour you wouldn't even know where you were! DughDughDugh grhey goooshe! Thump! Passed out!

I have too much time on my hands...


In other news...


What am I, Ted Koppel? Fuck the news.

-Sigo siendo rico, sigo siendo suave

Ow

Just ow. She really did a number on me this time. She'd kill me if she knew I was posting this...


But ow. Even the palms of my hands hurt. No hadouken though. Dammit!


-Sigo siendo rico, sigo siendo suave

Hadouken!

Today a strange thought came to mind. I have a friend who says that if someone can concieve some idea, it must be true somewhere. Under that notion theres a high possibility that what I am about to describe must have happened or happens somewhere at some time.

While fantasizing about rough sex with...my girlfriend... yes, my grilfriend( I don't know if she reads this shit!) I thought about hair pulling. Which I coupled in my mind with a gruff strong "get over here!" á la Scorpion. That gave way(oddly enough) to a firmly falcettoed "Toasty!" And suddenly Hadouken!

Now what if, and humor me here, there were a guy out there who got off on shouting video game battle cries and attack summons? What of the poor females he encountered? I can't imagine myself as a female getting my hair pulled to a robust "SONIC BOOM!" But at the same time, it doesn't seem like such a far fetched idea. There's already a bunch of little geeklings out there who dress up as fantasy characters (see wikipedia: cosplay) with some dressing up as characters from video games. They will shout out attack summons and try(rather bumblingly, I might add) to mimic these.

We also know of people whose kink is rather violent sex. Not so much the run of the mill sadomasochism or BDSM, but more like manhandling the female partner, males requesting to be smacked around by their lady. And to a more extreme extent, donkeypunching.

So why would it be so far fetched to think that somone would combine the two? A swift punch to the neck and bellowing out a "Shoooryuken!"? I'm gonna start producing movies like that. I'm gonna make a killing with the cosplayer hentai freaks.

-Sigo siendo rico, sigo siendo suave

Holy Shit! That's a frickin horse!

Today I had one of the most surreal experiences of my life. My girlfriend lives in a peckerwood, whistlestop, one horse town. Little did I know, I would actually come face to face with the horse! I'm driving home from the middle of nowhere(Jesus H, I really hate that town), and just walking down the middle of the road is this big white horse.

I decided to name him Leonard. Man if I hadn't been in a hurry to get the fuck outta Dodge... The magical times Leonard and I could have had. I would have woven him a little mask, so he wouldn't be recognized and I would have a matching one! We would be known as "El diablo negro y Rocinante". Aw man, and we'd go around solving mysteries! Like who stole the sack of feed from Don Alvarez' barn. And I'd be all like "this looks like a tough one, Leonard". Then he'd whinny at me and I'd go "...I mean, Rocinante (wink wink)". And it would be so kickass cause then we would go through a spiritual journey and afterward Leonard would feed offa the souls of the wicked!

That would be so boss! Yeah, thats right! I said "boss". You know why I can and you can't? Because I have fuckin' Leonard a.k.a. Rocinante a.k.a. Evil Soul Eater on my side. Wait. I don't. I kept driving.


Shit! Shitfuck! Why did I keep on driving?! I could be all super heroey right now! Arrrg! Fuckin' Leonard with the not stppping me so we can fulfill our destiny together!

I didn't mean to blame you, Leonard. Come back to me!! I'm sorry... I... I love you.


I'm hungry. I wish we had a White Castle where I live.

-Sigo siendo rico, sigo siendo suave

Back with a vengance!

So, I linked my friend Diana to my blog and she wouldn't leave me alone about starting it up again.

Why is it that every time I'm in a good mood, it implies murder, theft or alcohol? Shame on you for your false accusations. Shaaaaaaaaame. But it be true. For such a hate filled person like me to be in a good mood. Well it just upsets the cosmic balance. But I can't help it. It's all because of that one song. You know how one song can make you just feel happy? Well that song for me is Metamorfosis, by Café Tacvba (link). Man I listened to it like three times straight on my way to work. I be in a good mood. Nonetheless I'm hanging up on every other customer here. Old habits.

In other news, I'm working with a Dutchman. Hehe. The Dutch are funny. They make singular words plural and plural words singular. Hehe.

Aside from that there isn't much to report. I like calzone. It is tasty. I dislike Gaspacho. Cold tomato soup? C'mon!

I read an online comic strip called Least I could do. You should check that out (link) I share the writers love for Cadbury eggs and Red bull. I'm a heart attack waiting to happen.

Seeing as Im truly not the creative genius I try to portray myself as, hit me up with subject matter. I just might write about what you suggested and give you credit. (or not give you credit. whatever) So drop me a line at bassmatrix@gmail.com with suggestions.

-Sigo siendo rico, sigo siendo suave.

Magic computer machine, why wont you answer me?

Apparently, my conception of computers was mistaken. I thought that all my documents were sent away to another dimension accessed by double clicks of the little arrow that moves when I move the mouse. Once the other dimension is accessed, a little gnome by the name of Jim would get my files for me.

Imagine my consternation when I found that not only is my computer not a portal to another dimension, but there is no Jim! Jim, you shall be avenged! I was recently told by that annoying little bubble in the corner that my hard drive is full. Upon further investigation, I learned that my documents are saved onto this "hard drive", each document being of a certain "size" which takes up "space" in this "hard drive"(ok, no more quotation "marks"[except for those]). And apparently, mine was full.

In other words, I have too much shit. I have decided to purchase a new "hard drive"(last one, I promise). I'm going to open my computer to install it. Lord help us all.


Jim, don't head towards the "light". (I don't even really know what those are for=( )

-Sigo siendo rico, sigo siendo suave.

Fun with kite flying or Cock Blox-R-Us

Yesterday I was all set for what is commonly referred to as "Afternoon Delight". After a morning of annoyance at having to change my discs and obviously my brake pads as well, I was on my way to my girlfriend's house for lunch and sex, two of my favorite activities. Upon my arrival I was met with sad news. While I did get the lunch part on, there would be no having of the sex. At least not immediately. We first had to head to the local travel agency for a last minute change to her upcoming family trip to Disneyworld. Cool. I can hold off on the sex for a while...

An hour and a half later I'm still no closer to the having of the sex. Her sister calls requesting her (my girlfriends) nephews Nintendo DS. Why my girlfriend wont just get her own nintendo DS is beyond me. She isn't getting mine, that's for sure. So once we leave the travel agency, we go meet up with her sister te get the kid his Nintendo DS. The having of the sex is now 2:15 hours overdue. My girl's sister now wants to find kites and go kite-flying with her kids and my girlfriend and I. While I have no problem with spending time with her family, this does not sit well with Diego(and why can't I name my junk Diego?).

So another hour is spent kite shopping. And not just any kites. These must be Gayla kites. As if the kite gods smile upon a particular brand over another.

Alas, Gayla kites are nowhere to be found and everyone heads to their respective homes. Now my girlfriends mother will be home any minute so I pretty much kiss the having of the sex goodbye. But wait! She sees my distress and what is this I see on the horizon? A beautiful blowjob. I find it curious that what was once my main goal at the end of a date is now my consolation prize in relationship land. Not that Im not grateful... Oh, well.

I would like to make it known that this was the high point of my day.

Two minutes after I zip up, her sister arrives unannounced... "WILL SHE EVER JUST STAY HOME?!?!" Apparently Diego is still quite opinionated.

Her sister purchased Kites for everyone and thus part two of this catharsis begins.

Not much to say about the kite flying part except that theres no way to fly a kite and NOT look like and idiot. I mean, when youre doing it right, with plenty of wind, you're still just standing there, holding a string. Granted, kite flying is a pretty day to day thing, so most people dont see this as stupid. Now when it goes wrong, it goes so very wrong.

It would seem like I make an active attempt to fuck things up. But its truly a very effortless action. I'm just a natural screwup. So in less than a minute I had a knot the size of a basketball in my line and a 6 year old kid that no one knew giving me kite flying tips.

Ten feet tall, I was feeling.

On the plus side, my girlfriend had to chase after her kite, which flew away from her. So we're two idiots now. This, the blowjob and her sister's camel-toe made the afternoon almost worthwhile.

Almost.

-Sigo siendo rico, sigo siendo suave.