After seeing Transformers I am convinced that there is no reason why my 95 Tercel isn't an autobot. There is definitely "more than meets the eye" to the little guy. I just don't get why he won't transform. No matter how nicely I ask. He just isn't having it.
It would be so awesome if it would just transform already! Oh the sweet revenge that would befall my nemeses. Ok... So I don't really have nemeses. I don't even really have a nemesis. Single. But, there are a bunch of people who piss me off on a regular basis that could stand to be taken down a few notches.
Fuck yeah. Come to think of it, he wouldn't really be such a tall dude. I mean honestly, its a fucking Tercel. The tallest he could become would be like about 18 feet high. But still, it's enough to do some damage!
Come on Tercelbot! Move out! We got asses to kick! Names to take! Well, I've tried asking nicely. I've tried motivating him with the appeal of bloodshed. I'm gonna go drive him off a cliff. That'll get him to transform. Or make me plummet to my death.
I really hope its the first one. Not so much because of the death part. I'm just not a big fan of plummeting.
-Sigo siendo rico, sigo siendo suave
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Outrunning Mandingo
We had a show to play. We didn't really feel like it though. Really, we just wanted to turn tail and get-a- drinkin'. We should have. We could have. We Eastwoodave. Wait. What was I talking about?
Anyway. It was a two hour drive to San Sebastián. After taking the off-ramp from state road #2 (hehe) to hick road #111 we drove for about another 10 minutes. We really should have just turned around. At kilometer 15.4 we hang a right. We are now on an unidentified dark lonesome road. I turn to my buddy Wilfred and tell him: "Dude, we gots to be careful. Mandingo may jump out of the darkness and rape us." We laughed at my clever jab at backwoods homoerotic rape (Man, I am oh so very clever).
It was rather faint at first. We could barely hear it. But it sounded like gigantic footsteps. Suddenly on the roof of the car we heard a slam. We looked back and there was nothing but darkness. I turned on the indoor light and looked back. There were strange looking wrinkles on the rear window. Yet they were somehow familiar. It hit me all of a sudden! "It's a scrotum!"-I shouted at Wil-"Pedal to the metal!".
Mandingo had found us and he was thirsty for supple young rocker mangina. "I'm a gonna git you, honky!" I breathed a sigh of relief. Wilfred was the one getting the ass-reaming, not me. "You too, nigga!" Fuck.
When I looked back, I saw that it wasn't footsteps that I heard, but Mandingo's dick crashing on the ground with each step. I have never been so terrified in all my life. We were desperately trying to outrun Mandingo in a 2003 Dodge Neon. I turned to Wil and panicked I said: "This is it man, we're fucked. (no pun intended)".
The ground shaking thumping stopped and upon looking in the rear view mirror we were relieved to see that it appeared Mandingo had given up. But we were wrong. Oh, how wrong we were, with the wrongness. We kept driving. We still had a show to play. Besides, we were going in the direction opposite to that from which Mandingo came. So it must have been better than anywhere else we could be going.
It began to rain. A bolt of lightning. A clap of thunder and a tree falls from the side of the road. We decided to try and go around it. When suddenly I knew what lay before us. Not a tree, no. A giant black penis. Mandingo's penis! It had branches! The branches were smaller penises. Well, smaller in comparison to the one they were attached to. They still rivaled even my own quite impressive johnson by human standards. But this wasn't human. It couldn't be! No man is that well-endowed (that's fancy talk for "hung"). We turned right around in a desperate attempt to flee when we heard a Pee-wee Herman-esque shout: "Ahhhhhh!"
I realized something... Mandingo's penis was the one doing the actual shouting and talking! I swear to MacGuyver! The urethra was opening and closing and speech came out!
CRASH! Right on the hood of the car.
Darkness.
When I came to I could hear music in the background. It was Air Supply's "All out of love" I looked around. I quickly reached in the back of my pants and felt my asshole for any rips. To one side of the clearing there was a bright light. Wil! Where was he? Did he boldly sacrifice his bunghole for my safety? "Wil!" I shouted. I got up and stumbled upon some Astroglide, a ball gag, and a pack of magnums. This did not bode well. "Wil!" Where was he?! "Dude, chill I'm right here." He was holding a video camera. "Dude what are you? Scorsese? You had me worried. What's up with that anyway?" he replied "Dude, we had it all wrong. He just needed a camera crew. Check it out."
I will never see Paul Reuben with the same eyes. That's for sure.
Darkness. (God, I hate this LOTR epilogue shit!)
"Dude, wake up. We're here."
When I look up I see Wil. We're in front of the bar were playing tonight. "Dude, was I asleep?" I queried. "Yeah man, you kept on shielding your ass with your hands for some reason. Funny shit." I laughed! "So it was all a dream! No Mandingo! No giant penis! No Pee-wee! C'mon man! We got a show to play!" I reached to the back seat to grab my hat, but found a box of some kind. Condoms. "Dude! I did not need to find this!" When I showed him, he looked at me and whimpered: "Bro, those aren't mine. Those are magnums."
Darkness.
Man, I really gotta lay off the NyQuil/Jagermeister combo.
-Sigo siendo rico, sigo siendo suave
Anyway. It was a two hour drive to San Sebastián. After taking the off-ramp from state road #2 (hehe) to hick road #111 we drove for about another 10 minutes. We really should have just turned around. At kilometer 15.4 we hang a right. We are now on an unidentified dark lonesome road. I turn to my buddy Wilfred and tell him: "Dude, we gots to be careful. Mandingo may jump out of the darkness and rape us." We laughed at my clever jab at backwoods homoerotic rape (Man, I am oh so very clever).
It was rather faint at first. We could barely hear it. But it sounded like gigantic footsteps. Suddenly on the roof of the car we heard a slam. We looked back and there was nothing but darkness. I turned on the indoor light and looked back. There were strange looking wrinkles on the rear window. Yet they were somehow familiar. It hit me all of a sudden! "It's a scrotum!"-I shouted at Wil-"Pedal to the metal!".
Mandingo had found us and he was thirsty for supple young rocker mangina. "I'm a gonna git you, honky!" I breathed a sigh of relief. Wilfred was the one getting the ass-reaming, not me. "You too, nigga!" Fuck.
When I looked back, I saw that it wasn't footsteps that I heard, but Mandingo's dick crashing on the ground with each step. I have never been so terrified in all my life. We were desperately trying to outrun Mandingo in a 2003 Dodge Neon. I turned to Wil and panicked I said: "This is it man, we're fucked. (no pun intended)".
The ground shaking thumping stopped and upon looking in the rear view mirror we were relieved to see that it appeared Mandingo had given up. But we were wrong. Oh, how wrong we were, with the wrongness. We kept driving. We still had a show to play. Besides, we were going in the direction opposite to that from which Mandingo came. So it must have been better than anywhere else we could be going.
It began to rain. A bolt of lightning. A clap of thunder and a tree falls from the side of the road. We decided to try and go around it. When suddenly I knew what lay before us. Not a tree, no. A giant black penis. Mandingo's penis! It had branches! The branches were smaller penises. Well, smaller in comparison to the one they were attached to. They still rivaled even my own quite impressive johnson by human standards. But this wasn't human. It couldn't be! No man is that well-endowed (that's fancy talk for "hung"). We turned right around in a desperate attempt to flee when we heard a Pee-wee Herman-esque shout: "Ahhhhhh!"
I realized something... Mandingo's penis was the one doing the actual shouting and talking! I swear to MacGuyver! The urethra was opening and closing and speech came out!
CRASH! Right on the hood of the car.
Darkness.
When I came to I could hear music in the background. It was Air Supply's "All out of love" I looked around. I quickly reached in the back of my pants and felt my asshole for any rips. To one side of the clearing there was a bright light. Wil! Where was he? Did he boldly sacrifice his bunghole for my safety? "Wil!" I shouted. I got up and stumbled upon some Astroglide, a ball gag, and a pack of magnums. This did not bode well. "Wil!" Where was he?! "Dude, chill I'm right here." He was holding a video camera. "Dude what are you? Scorsese? You had me worried. What's up with that anyway?" he replied "Dude, we had it all wrong. He just needed a camera crew. Check it out."
I will never see Paul Reuben with the same eyes. That's for sure.
Darkness. (God, I hate this LOTR epilogue shit!)
"Dude, wake up. We're here."
When I look up I see Wil. We're in front of the bar were playing tonight. "Dude, was I asleep?" I queried. "Yeah man, you kept on shielding your ass with your hands for some reason. Funny shit." I laughed! "So it was all a dream! No Mandingo! No giant penis! No Pee-wee! C'mon man! We got a show to play!" I reached to the back seat to grab my hat, but found a box of some kind. Condoms. "Dude! I did not need to find this!" When I showed him, he looked at me and whimpered: "Bro, those aren't mine. Those are magnums."
Darkness.
Man, I really gotta lay off the NyQuil/Jagermeister combo.
-Sigo siendo rico, sigo siendo suave
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