Two new phrases biatches!1!1!

So in my neverending quest to educate the uncultured masses (you're welcome, you dumb shits!) I have come up with two new phrases that will redefine the english language. Add them to your daily vernacular. Use them proudly, in the knowledge that when people hear you talk they'll be all like "Damn! That's some fancy talking words!" And you'll be all like "Yeah, I'm better than you, get used to it" and then you head-butt them to the face for being inferior.

Anyway, without further ado, I present:

The things to say to sound cool now
(revised 2010 edition with 15% more flair)

So, the first motherfucker on my list was born from the need to describe something awesome. Only "awesome" did not do that thing any justice at all. What was that thing? I'm not at liberty to discuss. What? You really need to know? Oh, okay. That thing was fuck-you-and-mind-your-own-damned-business. So I was trying to describe this thing by which all other things pale in comparison, when I realized that all things pale in comparison to it, except for one. Only one glorious thing in existence was incredibly awesome enough to be used as a frame of reference to describe the sheer awesomeness of the thing I was describing. That thing, the one that would serve as the reference point, not the one I was struggling to describe (you thought I was gonna slip up on that one, didn't you, you fucking monkey fuckers?) is Tits. Yes, Tits with a capital T.

Therefore, henceforth "Tits" Will be the new synonym for awesome. Only to be used when describing somethng more awesome than awesome.

Examples:

• When describing me, one would say:

Julio is the Tits!

• When describing something I did, one would say:

That was Tits, dude!

Note: Tits is the highest degree of awesome possible. Nothing is awesomer than Tits. Therefore, even when extremely excited about something you find to be Tits, you will excercise restraint and refrain from using superlatives with Tits. (i.e That was the Tits times 10!) This would be redundant and stupid and would make you stupid too.
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The second phrase is one I came up with while working on a friends car. I wish I could provide a more detailed explanation as to how it came to be, but matter-of-factually, it just came to me. As if by divine inspiration, channeled through me by Tits itself.

Whenever you witness or find yourself in an extremely dire situation or when you are describing the conditions of something that is the opposite of good, meaning when something is FUBAR (fucked up beyond all recogition, for the unenlightened), you will going forward refer to that bogusness as being "Straight out of Precious."

For those not familiar with it, precious is a movie. But not just a movie. A movie with a plot so fucked up and heinous, that by the end, when the title character's life situation is finally looking up, she is reading at an eighth grade level (being seventeen herself), is a carrier of HIV that she contracted by way of rape from her father who is in turn the illegitimate father of her own two children, or as I call them: brother-son and sister-daughter. One of whom has down syndrome, by the way. Seriously, all this is an improvement on her previous life situation.

Examples:

• Your cooking gave me diarrhea that was straight out of Precious!

(When witnessing a dude get kicked in the nards)

• You just don't do that! That shit is straight out of Precious!

So there you go.

Tits and Straight out of Precious. Two great tastes that might not go great together, but they sure do roll off the tongue.

Until next time, lick my ass and suck on my balls.



Sigo siendo rico, sigo siendo suave