So you know how sometimes when you go to a place and the people are all like: "Hey! I know you. Arent you that guy that played Doogie Howser?"
Man, that annoys me.
It's like... I don't even look like him. Seriously.
No no. The man responsible for achieving our suspension of disbelief in teenaged doctors is none other than a man. Wait, that was redundant.
It was a gay man. A gay man portraying a straight (or so we are presume) teenager.
That man... was Niel Patrick Harris.
NPH was born of humble beginnings. His parents of course were simple farm folk. They grew veggies and raised animals.
One day however, the young man was blessed by Thor, the norse god of thunder himself, with an otherworldly acting talent. It was then that he was all like, "I gotta put this to the test."
And so, he donned the white coat and became Doogie. I mean seriously, what kind of a name is Doogie? It's like doggie with a typo. And what is that short for? Dooglas? Doogbert?
Anyway...
The Ph in NPH stands for Pussy Handler. That is all you kneed to knoe. Fuck you. we should spell it like that anyway.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Witting boy!
So after two years of not being here-ness I have finally returned. As I mentioned in my previous post, I was off keeping the world safe for you weird little monkeys. Incredibly enough, I found that I was keeping the world safe from you weird little monkeys. Alas, stationed once more behind my keyboard and mouse, I shall set forth with my snarky wit. Oh, you shall know the wit. The wit will let you know whats going down.... with... the wit.. thing.
...
...
...
Fart.
Hehehe.
...
...
...
Fart.
Hehehe.
so hey...
Just stopping by to let you know that you can expect new posts soon. I would like to apologize to my readership (all five of you) for my extended absence. There had been a situation, my assistance was needed. I'm not really at liberty to discuss, but monkeys were involved and armageddon has been averted. (you're WEL-COME, you ingrates) But that's really all I can say. Anywho, I'll be posting later tonight.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
I hate needles. I really fucking hate needles.
It's been awhile since I last posted. I've been busy with a new job and haven't had that much spare time anymore(By spare time, please read: "my old job had open net access and I goofed off all day"). Thing is, I had a spare moment and decided to share with you an interesting fact about me.
I hate needles. Those of you who know me personally say: "But you have ink and piercings. Those are needles too." First off, fuck you. Fuck you long and hard. Fuck you with the rakey end of a rake. It is not the same deal. I can tell you from personal experience that you barely feel the needle used to pierce. And the sensation when getting tattooed is more like being scratched than being stabbed by a needle that is supposedly "hygenic" and "clean".
But no. It isnt so much the having the needle in my arm part that gets me. Its the blood. My blood belongs inside me. If it belonged outside me, it wouldn't be sealed away in my circulatory system, now would it?
The reason for this rant is that because of the new job I had to take a dope test. Now in the past whenever a dope test was in order, my pee(which belongs outside of me) is all that is required. But no! These bitches wanted not only me pee, but my blood and a complete physical! What, am I joining the marines or something?
I was not told about the blood part. So I get to the place and this nurse (or so she claimed) starts asking me to roll up my sleeves. Then out came the evil tool from the depths of hell. I bit my lip and looked the other way. She starts saying that my blood wont come out.
THAT'S CAUSE IT BELONGS INSIDE ME! CAN I STRESS THIS ENOUGH?!
She's loving this shit. Fucking sadist. Then she sticks me in the back of my hand and has the audacity to blame me for this, claiming I should relax.
RELAX?!
How am I supposed to relax when you are fucking stealing that which makes my body function?
How, I ask you! How?
So I looked her square in the eyes and let her have it:
"You're mean!"
Oh yeah, I said it.
So this bitch finally finished the harvesting and I could only assume she was gonna drink the stuff in order to take my wisdom and bravery (fuck you, by the way). Not statisfied with this she wants me to pee in a cup. A CUP! What is wrong with these people?
So when I give her the urine I make sure to ask her in my snidest tone of voice: "Any other bodily fluids you may require of me? Cause I can only think of one more, and I'd make you extract that one yourself."
I'm smooth like peanut butter.
She looked at me all like "Oh, I crave your cock!" and then told me to restrain myself or she'd have to call "security". Whatever the hell that means.
Finally the crazy fucker tells me to have a nice day. Thats right: Have a nice fucking day. Well, I would, sweetheart, I really would. But it's hard to have a nice day when you kick it off by getting jabbed twice and having your life esscence removed from you.
I hate needles. I really fucking hate needles.
-Sigo siendo rico, sigo siendo suave
I hate needles. Those of you who know me personally say: "But you have ink and piercings. Those are needles too." First off, fuck you. Fuck you long and hard. Fuck you with the rakey end of a rake. It is not the same deal. I can tell you from personal experience that you barely feel the needle used to pierce. And the sensation when getting tattooed is more like being scratched than being stabbed by a needle that is supposedly "hygenic" and "clean".
But no. It isnt so much the having the needle in my arm part that gets me. Its the blood. My blood belongs inside me. If it belonged outside me, it wouldn't be sealed away in my circulatory system, now would it?
The reason for this rant is that because of the new job I had to take a dope test. Now in the past whenever a dope test was in order, my pee(which belongs outside of me) is all that is required. But no! These bitches wanted not only me pee, but my blood and a complete physical! What, am I joining the marines or something?
I was not told about the blood part. So I get to the place and this nurse (or so she claimed) starts asking me to roll up my sleeves. Then out came the evil tool from the depths of hell. I bit my lip and looked the other way. She starts saying that my blood wont come out.
THAT'S CAUSE IT BELONGS INSIDE ME! CAN I STRESS THIS ENOUGH?!
She's loving this shit. Fucking sadist. Then she sticks me in the back of my hand and has the audacity to blame me for this, claiming I should relax.
RELAX?!
How am I supposed to relax when you are fucking stealing that which makes my body function?
How, I ask you! How?
So I looked her square in the eyes and let her have it:
"You're mean!"
Oh yeah, I said it.
So this bitch finally finished the harvesting and I could only assume she was gonna drink the stuff in order to take my wisdom and bravery (fuck you, by the way). Not statisfied with this she wants me to pee in a cup. A CUP! What is wrong with these people?
So when I give her the urine I make sure to ask her in my snidest tone of voice: "Any other bodily fluids you may require of me? Cause I can only think of one more, and I'd make you extract that one yourself."
I'm smooth like peanut butter.
She looked at me all like "Oh, I crave your cock!" and then told me to restrain myself or she'd have to call "security". Whatever the hell that means.
Finally the crazy fucker tells me to have a nice day. Thats right: Have a nice fucking day. Well, I would, sweetheart, I really would. But it's hard to have a nice day when you kick it off by getting jabbed twice and having your life esscence removed from you.
I hate needles. I really fucking hate needles.
-Sigo siendo rico, sigo siendo suave
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Tercelbot! Go!... Transform... Ih-wa-ah-ih! no? fucker.
After seeing Transformers I am convinced that there is no reason why my 95 Tercel isn't an autobot. There is definitely "more than meets the eye" to the little guy. I just don't get why he won't transform. No matter how nicely I ask. He just isn't having it.
It would be so awesome if it would just transform already! Oh the sweet revenge that would befall my nemeses. Ok... So I don't really have nemeses. I don't even really have a nemesis. Single. But, there are a bunch of people who piss me off on a regular basis that could stand to be taken down a few notches.
Fuck yeah. Come to think of it, he wouldn't really be such a tall dude. I mean honestly, its a fucking Tercel. The tallest he could become would be like about 18 feet high. But still, it's enough to do some damage!
Come on Tercelbot! Move out! We got asses to kick! Names to take! Well, I've tried asking nicely. I've tried motivating him with the appeal of bloodshed. I'm gonna go drive him off a cliff. That'll get him to transform. Or make me plummet to my death.
I really hope its the first one. Not so much because of the death part. I'm just not a big fan of plummeting.
-Sigo siendo rico, sigo siendo suave
It would be so awesome if it would just transform already! Oh the sweet revenge that would befall my nemeses. Ok... So I don't really have nemeses. I don't even really have a nemesis. Single. But, there are a bunch of people who piss me off on a regular basis that could stand to be taken down a few notches.
Fuck yeah. Come to think of it, he wouldn't really be such a tall dude. I mean honestly, its a fucking Tercel. The tallest he could become would be like about 18 feet high. But still, it's enough to do some damage!
Come on Tercelbot! Move out! We got asses to kick! Names to take! Well, I've tried asking nicely. I've tried motivating him with the appeal of bloodshed. I'm gonna go drive him off a cliff. That'll get him to transform. Or make me plummet to my death.
I really hope its the first one. Not so much because of the death part. I'm just not a big fan of plummeting.
-Sigo siendo rico, sigo siendo suave
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Outrunning Mandingo
We had a show to play. We didn't really feel like it though. Really, we just wanted to turn tail and get-a- drinkin'. We should have. We could have. We Eastwoodave. Wait. What was I talking about?
Anyway. It was a two hour drive to San Sebastián. After taking the off-ramp from state road #2 (hehe) to hick road #111 we drove for about another 10 minutes. We really should have just turned around. At kilometer 15.4 we hang a right. We are now on an unidentified dark lonesome road. I turn to my buddy Wilfred and tell him: "Dude, we gots to be careful. Mandingo may jump out of the darkness and rape us." We laughed at my clever jab at backwoods homoerotic rape (Man, I am oh so very clever).
It was rather faint at first. We could barely hear it. But it sounded like gigantic footsteps. Suddenly on the roof of the car we heard a slam. We looked back and there was nothing but darkness. I turned on the indoor light and looked back. There were strange looking wrinkles on the rear window. Yet they were somehow familiar. It hit me all of a sudden! "It's a scrotum!"-I shouted at Wil-"Pedal to the metal!".
Mandingo had found us and he was thirsty for supple young rocker mangina. "I'm a gonna git you, honky!" I breathed a sigh of relief. Wilfred was the one getting the ass-reaming, not me. "You too, nigga!" Fuck.
When I looked back, I saw that it wasn't footsteps that I heard, but Mandingo's dick crashing on the ground with each step. I have never been so terrified in all my life. We were desperately trying to outrun Mandingo in a 2003 Dodge Neon. I turned to Wil and panicked I said: "This is it man, we're fucked. (no pun intended)".
The ground shaking thumping stopped and upon looking in the rear view mirror we were relieved to see that it appeared Mandingo had given up. But we were wrong. Oh, how wrong we were, with the wrongness. We kept driving. We still had a show to play. Besides, we were going in the direction opposite to that from which Mandingo came. So it must have been better than anywhere else we could be going.
It began to rain. A bolt of lightning. A clap of thunder and a tree falls from the side of the road. We decided to try and go around it. When suddenly I knew what lay before us. Not a tree, no. A giant black penis. Mandingo's penis! It had branches! The branches were smaller penises. Well, smaller in comparison to the one they were attached to. They still rivaled even my own quite impressive johnson by human standards. But this wasn't human. It couldn't be! No man is that well-endowed (that's fancy talk for "hung"). We turned right around in a desperate attempt to flee when we heard a Pee-wee Herman-esque shout: "Ahhhhhh!"
I realized something... Mandingo's penis was the one doing the actual shouting and talking! I swear to MacGuyver! The urethra was opening and closing and speech came out!
CRASH! Right on the hood of the car.
Darkness.
When I came to I could hear music in the background. It was Air Supply's "All out of love" I looked around. I quickly reached in the back of my pants and felt my asshole for any rips. To one side of the clearing there was a bright light. Wil! Where was he? Did he boldly sacrifice his bunghole for my safety? "Wil!" I shouted. I got up and stumbled upon some Astroglide, a ball gag, and a pack of magnums. This did not bode well. "Wil!" Where was he?! "Dude, chill I'm right here." He was holding a video camera. "Dude what are you? Scorsese? You had me worried. What's up with that anyway?" he replied "Dude, we had it all wrong. He just needed a camera crew. Check it out."
I will never see Paul Reuben with the same eyes. That's for sure.
Darkness. (God, I hate this LOTR epilogue shit!)
"Dude, wake up. We're here."
When I look up I see Wil. We're in front of the bar were playing tonight. "Dude, was I asleep?" I queried. "Yeah man, you kept on shielding your ass with your hands for some reason. Funny shit." I laughed! "So it was all a dream! No Mandingo! No giant penis! No Pee-wee! C'mon man! We got a show to play!" I reached to the back seat to grab my hat, but found a box of some kind. Condoms. "Dude! I did not need to find this!" When I showed him, he looked at me and whimpered: "Bro, those aren't mine. Those are magnums."
Darkness.
Man, I really gotta lay off the NyQuil/Jagermeister combo.
-Sigo siendo rico, sigo siendo suave
Anyway. It was a two hour drive to San Sebastián. After taking the off-ramp from state road #2 (hehe) to hick road #111 we drove for about another 10 minutes. We really should have just turned around. At kilometer 15.4 we hang a right. We are now on an unidentified dark lonesome road. I turn to my buddy Wilfred and tell him: "Dude, we gots to be careful. Mandingo may jump out of the darkness and rape us." We laughed at my clever jab at backwoods homoerotic rape (Man, I am oh so very clever).
It was rather faint at first. We could barely hear it. But it sounded like gigantic footsteps. Suddenly on the roof of the car we heard a slam. We looked back and there was nothing but darkness. I turned on the indoor light and looked back. There were strange looking wrinkles on the rear window. Yet they were somehow familiar. It hit me all of a sudden! "It's a scrotum!"-I shouted at Wil-"Pedal to the metal!".
Mandingo had found us and he was thirsty for supple young rocker mangina. "I'm a gonna git you, honky!" I breathed a sigh of relief. Wilfred was the one getting the ass-reaming, not me. "You too, nigga!" Fuck.
When I looked back, I saw that it wasn't footsteps that I heard, but Mandingo's dick crashing on the ground with each step. I have never been so terrified in all my life. We were desperately trying to outrun Mandingo in a 2003 Dodge Neon. I turned to Wil and panicked I said: "This is it man, we're fucked. (no pun intended)".
The ground shaking thumping stopped and upon looking in the rear view mirror we were relieved to see that it appeared Mandingo had given up. But we were wrong. Oh, how wrong we were, with the wrongness. We kept driving. We still had a show to play. Besides, we were going in the direction opposite to that from which Mandingo came. So it must have been better than anywhere else we could be going.
It began to rain. A bolt of lightning. A clap of thunder and a tree falls from the side of the road. We decided to try and go around it. When suddenly I knew what lay before us. Not a tree, no. A giant black penis. Mandingo's penis! It had branches! The branches were smaller penises. Well, smaller in comparison to the one they were attached to. They still rivaled even my own quite impressive johnson by human standards. But this wasn't human. It couldn't be! No man is that well-endowed (that's fancy talk for "hung"). We turned right around in a desperate attempt to flee when we heard a Pee-wee Herman-esque shout: "Ahhhhhh!"
I realized something... Mandingo's penis was the one doing the actual shouting and talking! I swear to MacGuyver! The urethra was opening and closing and speech came out!
CRASH! Right on the hood of the car.
Darkness.
When I came to I could hear music in the background. It was Air Supply's "All out of love" I looked around. I quickly reached in the back of my pants and felt my asshole for any rips. To one side of the clearing there was a bright light. Wil! Where was he? Did he boldly sacrifice his bunghole for my safety? "Wil!" I shouted. I got up and stumbled upon some Astroglide, a ball gag, and a pack of magnums. This did not bode well. "Wil!" Where was he?! "Dude, chill I'm right here." He was holding a video camera. "Dude what are you? Scorsese? You had me worried. What's up with that anyway?" he replied "Dude, we had it all wrong. He just needed a camera crew. Check it out."
I will never see Paul Reuben with the same eyes. That's for sure.
Darkness. (God, I hate this LOTR epilogue shit!)
"Dude, wake up. We're here."
When I look up I see Wil. We're in front of the bar were playing tonight. "Dude, was I asleep?" I queried. "Yeah man, you kept on shielding your ass with your hands for some reason. Funny shit." I laughed! "So it was all a dream! No Mandingo! No giant penis! No Pee-wee! C'mon man! We got a show to play!" I reached to the back seat to grab my hat, but found a box of some kind. Condoms. "Dude! I did not need to find this!" When I showed him, he looked at me and whimpered: "Bro, those aren't mine. Those are magnums."
Darkness.
Man, I really gotta lay off the NyQuil/Jagermeister combo.
-Sigo siendo rico, sigo siendo suave
Friday, June 29, 2007
I'm craving a bacon cheeseburger now. (and tennis just became a hell of a lot more interesting)
Thanks to Diana for the link. What can I say? It's pigs. No blanket, no bay. Just pigs. And paint. I dunno. I just dont really find this as cute as some of the readers did. Really. Aw look. It's little piggies makin' a mess. Get the camera! Better yet! Get the canvas! People will actually buy this shit!
Yeah, I know it says that the money goes to a charity of some sort. But that just reminds me of my hatred of charity. You just know that someone is wetting their beak! Those pigs would be put to better use in a sandwich. Be it in spam or bacon form. Preferably bacon. Bacon is good. And I'm pretty sure it cures cancer. Not that I actually had the experience of having cancer cured by bacon. But c'mon! It's bacon! Bacon can do no wrong! Its all crispy and tasty. Oh yes.
There was a point here somwhere.
Anyway. Charity sucks. Bacon Rules. Piggies are food. I have a newfound love of tennis. The skirts reveal tight little sports panties. And the brits call 'em "knickers" which is just adorable!
-Sigo siendo rico, sigo siendo suave
Yeah, I know it says that the money goes to a charity of some sort. But that just reminds me of my hatred of charity. You just know that someone is wetting their beak! Those pigs would be put to better use in a sandwich. Be it in spam or bacon form. Preferably bacon. Bacon is good. And I'm pretty sure it cures cancer. Not that I actually had the experience of having cancer cured by bacon. But c'mon! It's bacon! Bacon can do no wrong! Its all crispy and tasty. Oh yes.
There was a point here somwhere.
Anyway. Charity sucks. Bacon Rules. Piggies are food. I have a newfound love of tennis. The skirts reveal tight little sports panties. And the brits call 'em "knickers" which is just adorable!
-Sigo siendo rico, sigo siendo suave
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