Tercelbot! Go!... Transform... Ih-wa-ah-ih! no? fucker.

After seeing Transformers I am convinced that there is no reason why my 95 Tercel isn't an autobot. There is definitely "more than meets the eye" to the little guy. I just don't get why he won't transform. No matter how nicely I ask. He just isn't having it.

It would be so awesome if it would just transform already! Oh the sweet revenge that would befall my nemeses. Ok... So I don't really have nemeses. I don't even really have a nemesis. Single. But, there are a bunch of people who piss me off on a regular basis that could stand to be taken down a few notches.

Fuck yeah. Come to think of it, he wouldn't really be such a tall dude. I mean honestly, its a fucking Tercel. The tallest he could become would be like about 18 feet high. But still, it's enough to do some damage!

Come on Tercelbot! Move out! We got asses to kick! Names to take! Well, I've tried asking nicely. I've tried motivating him with the appeal of bloodshed. I'm gonna go drive him off a cliff. That'll get him to transform. Or make me plummet to my death.

I really hope its the first one. Not so much because of the death part. I'm just not a big fan of plummeting.

-Sigo siendo rico, sigo siendo suave

Outrunning Mandingo

We had a show to play. We didn't really feel like it though. Really, we just wanted to turn tail and get-a- drinkin'. We should have. We could have. We Eastwoodave. Wait. What was I talking about?

Anyway. It was a two hour drive to San Sebastián. After taking the off-ramp from state road #2 (hehe) to hick road #111 we drove for about another 10 minutes. We really should have just turned around. At kilometer 15.4 we hang a right. We are now on an unidentified dark lonesome road. I turn to my buddy Wilfred and tell him: "Dude, we gots to be careful. Mandingo may jump out of the darkness and rape us." We laughed at my clever jab at backwoods homoerotic rape (Man, I am oh so very clever).

It was rather faint at first. We could barely hear it. But it sounded like gigantic footsteps. Suddenly on the roof of the car we heard a slam. We looked back and there was nothing but darkness. I turned on the indoor light and looked back. There were strange looking wrinkles on the rear window. Yet they were somehow familiar. It hit me all of a sudden! "It's a scrotum!"-I shouted at Wil-"Pedal to the metal!".

Mandingo had found us and he was thirsty for supple young rocker mangina. "I'm a gonna git you, honky!" I breathed a sigh of relief. Wilfred was the one getting the ass-reaming, not me. "You too, nigga!" Fuck.

When I looked back, I saw that it wasn't footsteps that I heard, but Mandingo's dick crashing on the ground with each step. I have never been so terrified in all my life. We were desperately trying to outrun Mandingo in a 2003 Dodge Neon. I turned to Wil and panicked I said: "This is it man, we're fucked. (no pun intended)".

The ground shaking thumping stopped and upon looking in the rear view mirror we were relieved to see that it appeared Mandingo had given up. But we were wrong. Oh, how wrong we were, with the wrongness. We kept driving. We still had a show to play. Besides, we were going in the direction opposite to that from which Mandingo came. So it must have been better than anywhere else we could be going.

It began to rain. A bolt of lightning. A clap of thunder and a tree falls from the side of the road. We decided to try and go around it. When suddenly I knew what lay before us. Not a tree, no. A giant black penis. Mandingo's penis! It had branches! The branches were smaller penises. Well, smaller in comparison to the one they were attached to. They still rivaled even my own quite impressive johnson by human standards. But this wasn't human. It couldn't be! No man is that well-endowed (that's fancy talk for "hung"). We turned right around in a desperate attempt to flee when we heard a Pee-wee Herman-esque shout: "Ahhhhhh!"

I realized something... Mandingo's penis was the one doing the actual shouting and talking! I swear to MacGuyver! The urethra was opening and closing and speech came out!

CRASH! Right on the hood of the car.

Darkness.

When I came to I could hear music in the background. It was Air Supply's "All out of love" I looked around. I quickly reached in the back of my pants and felt my asshole for any rips. To one side of the clearing there was a bright light. Wil! Where was he? Did he boldly sacrifice his bunghole for my safety? "Wil!" I shouted. I got up and stumbled upon some Astroglide, a ball gag, and a pack of magnums. This did not bode well. "Wil!" Where was he?! "Dude, chill I'm right here." He was holding a video camera. "Dude what are you? Scorsese? You had me worried. What's up with that anyway?" he replied "Dude, we had it all wrong. He just needed a camera crew. Check it out."

I will never see Paul Reuben with the same eyes. That's for sure.

Darkness. (God, I hate this LOTR epilogue shit!)

"Dude, wake up. We're here."

When I look up I see Wil. We're in front of the bar were playing tonight. "Dude, was I asleep?" I queried. "Yeah man, you kept on shielding your ass with your hands for some reason. Funny shit." I laughed! "So it was all a dream! No Mandingo! No giant penis! No Pee-wee! C'mon man! We got a show to play!" I reached to the back seat to grab my hat, but found a box of some kind. Condoms. "Dude! I did not need to find this!" When I showed him, he looked at me and whimpered: "Bro, those aren't mine. Those are magnums."


Darkness.


Man, I really gotta lay off the NyQuil/Jagermeister combo.


-Sigo siendo rico, sigo siendo suave

I'm craving a bacon cheeseburger now. (and tennis just became a hell of a lot more interesting)

Thanks to Diana for the link. What can I say? It's pigs. No blanket, no bay. Just pigs. And paint. I dunno. I just dont really find this as cute as some of the readers did. Really. Aw look. It's little piggies makin' a mess. Get the camera! Better yet! Get the canvas! People will actually buy this shit!

Yeah, I know it says that the money goes to a charity of some sort. But that just reminds me of my hatred of charity. You just know that someone is wetting their beak! Those pigs would be put to better use in a sandwich. Be it in spam or bacon form. Preferably bacon. Bacon is good. And I'm pretty sure it cures cancer. Not that I actually had the experience of having cancer cured by bacon. But c'mon! It's bacon! Bacon can do no wrong! Its all crispy and tasty. Oh yes.

There was a point here somwhere.

Anyway. Charity sucks. Bacon Rules. Piggies are food. I have a newfound love of tennis. The skirts reveal tight little sports panties. And the brits call 'em "knickers" which is just adorable!

-Sigo siendo rico, sigo siendo suave

8 Things about me

• I am awesome. This is indisputable. I do awesome things. Say awesome things and am generally awesome. You should know this first and foremost. Once you internalize this fact, things will go much more smoothly between us.

• I am incredibly funny. If you do not find me amusing and funny there is something wrong with you. See your physician. My wit is timeless. I kept my babysitters in stitches and then they would try and sleep with me. Too bad they were mostly family members.

• Sexiness thy name is Julio. Not much more to it.

• I am addicted to Red Bull and Cadbury eggs. Thanks to this webcomic (and in part to my willingness to succumb to product placement) I now have a dependancy on Red Bull mostly. I go through a not very pretty Cadbury egg withdrawl when they go out of season.

• Scrubs is one of the best shows on tv, period. If you disagree, there is a very strong possibility that you may in fact be clinically retarded. Don't feel bad. You won't be ostracized by your peers too much.

• Homophobia is stupid. The way I see it, the more guys that like it in the butt, the more women left in the world for me. Besides, I have no idea how to look good. Gay guys help with that. Or not. They may be making me look incredibly foolish. There's more than one way to screw someone.

• There is but one thing I fear. My girlfriend. The best thing you can do with your life in order to live long enough to not want to live anymore is to know your limitations. If you ever commit to a serious relationship, learn this and learn it quickly: She is right and you are wrong. Always. Any deviation from this rule of thumb will evolve into an argument that will get really old, really quick like.

• I am awesome. It bears repeating.

-Sigo siendo rico, sigo siendo suave

Duck, Duck, Grey Goose

Talking to my buddy Ramon, we came up with possibly the greatest most potentially messy drinking game since beer pong.

Remember that childhood classic, duck duck goose? Add a bottle of Grey Goose(eventually as with all drinking games, one will become more flexible and allow any vodka, soon giving way to anything with alcohol in it.) Everyone starts sober, sitting in a circle. You choose whoever is going to be it first by drawing straws or whatever. That person will then proceed to play regular duck duck duck duck GREY GOOSE! The grey goose will then proceed to take a shot of vodka, spin around three times on a baseball bat and then chase the first person around. The game ends when either the alcohol does or when everyone is shit-faced passed out.


This has great potential! After an hour you wouldn't even know where you were! DughDughDugh grhey goooshe! Thump! Passed out!

I have too much time on my hands...


In other news...


What am I, Ted Koppel? Fuck the news.

-Sigo siendo rico, sigo siendo suave

Ow

Just ow. She really did a number on me this time. She'd kill me if she knew I was posting this...


But ow. Even the palms of my hands hurt. No hadouken though. Dammit!


-Sigo siendo rico, sigo siendo suave

Hadouken!

Today a strange thought came to mind. I have a friend who says that if someone can concieve some idea, it must be true somewhere. Under that notion theres a high possibility that what I am about to describe must have happened or happens somewhere at some time.

While fantasizing about rough sex with...my girlfriend... yes, my grilfriend( I don't know if she reads this shit!) I thought about hair pulling. Which I coupled in my mind with a gruff strong "get over here!" á la Scorpion. That gave way(oddly enough) to a firmly falcettoed "Toasty!" And suddenly Hadouken!

Now what if, and humor me here, there were a guy out there who got off on shouting video game battle cries and attack summons? What of the poor females he encountered? I can't imagine myself as a female getting my hair pulled to a robust "SONIC BOOM!" But at the same time, it doesn't seem like such a far fetched idea. There's already a bunch of little geeklings out there who dress up as fantasy characters (see wikipedia: cosplay) with some dressing up as characters from video games. They will shout out attack summons and try(rather bumblingly, I might add) to mimic these.

We also know of people whose kink is rather violent sex. Not so much the run of the mill sadomasochism or BDSM, but more like manhandling the female partner, males requesting to be smacked around by their lady. And to a more extreme extent, donkeypunching.

So why would it be so far fetched to think that somone would combine the two? A swift punch to the neck and bellowing out a "Shoooryuken!"? I'm gonna start producing movies like that. I'm gonna make a killing with the cosplayer hentai freaks.

-Sigo siendo rico, sigo siendo suave