Two new phrases biatches!1!1!

So in my neverending quest to educate the uncultured masses (you're welcome, you dumb shits!) I have come up with two new phrases that will redefine the english language. Add them to your daily vernacular. Use them proudly, in the knowledge that when people hear you talk they'll be all like "Damn! That's some fancy talking words!" And you'll be all like "Yeah, I'm better than you, get used to it" and then you head-butt them to the face for being inferior.

Anyway, without further ado, I present:

The things to say to sound cool now
(revised 2010 edition with 15% more flair)

So, the first motherfucker on my list was born from the need to describe something awesome. Only "awesome" did not do that thing any justice at all. What was that thing? I'm not at liberty to discuss. What? You really need to know? Oh, okay. That thing was fuck-you-and-mind-your-own-damned-business. So I was trying to describe this thing by which all other things pale in comparison, when I realized that all things pale in comparison to it, except for one. Only one glorious thing in existence was incredibly awesome enough to be used as a frame of reference to describe the sheer awesomeness of the thing I was describing. That thing, the one that would serve as the reference point, not the one I was struggling to describe (you thought I was gonna slip up on that one, didn't you, you fucking monkey fuckers?) is Tits. Yes, Tits with a capital T.

Therefore, henceforth "Tits" Will be the new synonym for awesome. Only to be used when describing somethng more awesome than awesome.

Examples:

• When describing me, one would say:

Julio is the Tits!

• When describing something I did, one would say:

That was Tits, dude!

Note: Tits is the highest degree of awesome possible. Nothing is awesomer than Tits. Therefore, even when extremely excited about something you find to be Tits, you will excercise restraint and refrain from using superlatives with Tits. (i.e That was the Tits times 10!) This would be redundant and stupid and would make you stupid too.
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The second phrase is one I came up with while working on a friends car. I wish I could provide a more detailed explanation as to how it came to be, but matter-of-factually, it just came to me. As if by divine inspiration, channeled through me by Tits itself.

Whenever you witness or find yourself in an extremely dire situation or when you are describing the conditions of something that is the opposite of good, meaning when something is FUBAR (fucked up beyond all recogition, for the unenlightened), you will going forward refer to that bogusness as being "Straight out of Precious."

For those not familiar with it, precious is a movie. But not just a movie. A movie with a plot so fucked up and heinous, that by the end, when the title character's life situation is finally looking up, she is reading at an eighth grade level (being seventeen herself), is a carrier of HIV that she contracted by way of rape from her father who is in turn the illegitimate father of her own two children, or as I call them: brother-son and sister-daughter. One of whom has down syndrome, by the way. Seriously, all this is an improvement on her previous life situation.

Examples:

• Your cooking gave me diarrhea that was straight out of Precious!

(When witnessing a dude get kicked in the nards)

• You just don't do that! That shit is straight out of Precious!

So there you go.

Tits and Straight out of Precious. Two great tastes that might not go great together, but they sure do roll off the tongue.

Until next time, lick my ass and suck on my balls.



Sigo siendo rico, sigo siendo suave

Proton Pack

So here's the thing: after watching the movies Ghostbusters and Ghostbusters II, I've realized that after 20 years I still really REALLY want to be a Ghostbuster.

And not one of those stupid fuckers from the filmation series that had the good folks at Columbia Pictures Television resort to having to call their animated series "The Real Ghostbusters" (an AWESOME move on their part, by the way. They're all like "Well, sure, you can watch that show with the monkey, or you can watch The REAL Ghostbusters. It's your choice really, if you want to settle for the not Real Ghostbusters). Nah, man, as the animated series title suggests, I want to be a Real Ghostbuster.

Seriously, who would want to run around with a fucking gorilla spreading it's gorilla germs and aids all around the place? I don't care that the thing has the ability to create all of their ghost busting equipment, it better (lord have mercy) get it's stinking paws off me, the damn dirty ape!

But I digress. The fact is, I wake up every morning hoping to be one of those people who loves what they do for a living. I have come to the belief, nay, the realization of the pure unadulterated truth, that I was put on God's green earth to shoot proton beams from a positron collider attached to an unlicensed nuclear accelerator worn handily on my back in an effort to rid the world of a plague of ghosts. On the other hand, I could always look into becoming the next Scourge of Carpathia or Sorrow of Moldavia. I hear there's an opening and it has killer benefits.


Also, Annie Potts still looks pretty doable.

Oh yeah, I'd hit that.

The Flashy Thingy

I tend not to be a wisher of ill will. Bill, drill, thrill, quill. Rhyming is fun. Wait, what? Anyway, for serious, I am sick of this Twilight bullshit. I know what you all must be thinking: "By blogging about it, you are just giving it more importance blah blah I don't know shit about anything cause I'm stupid." Yeah, thats what you sound like. Others will be all like: "All you do is whine, nyah nyah nyah. You can't do anything about it anyway, blah blah. Twilight is what it is and it's going to stay popular for awhile whether you like it or not, bewb bewb bewb" (heh, that last one was really kinda good).

Well guess what, shit for brains!

I have a solution to this shit. It involves a flux capacitor, a phone booth and 1.21 jigawatts of pure genius. Also, the flashy thingy from men in black.

See, in the past I have contemplated traveling back in time to before the bitch who wrote the fucking books decided to make life miserable for every intelligent male on the planet and just plain murdering her to death until she died from dying. This, however, presented several complications as I didn't want her ghost to come back and haunt me and shit. That would fucking suck monkey balls. So after pondering long and hard (heh, giggity) I decided to get ahold of the flashy thingy from the men in black movies and just make her forget about ever having the idea of gay vampires sparkling it up while they have teh gay buttsecks and climb trees and play baseball.

So all I have to do now is get one of those flashy thingies and a time machine. I'm pretty sure I saw one of the former on sale at best buy and the parts to bould the latter at the home depot. I got a screenshot of Doc Browns original plans for the flux capacitor and I'm pretty confident I can get that bad boy operational by 2011.

Yeah, I know that there are serious implications and paradoxes to consider when attempting time travel, but the butterfly effect (the actual theory, not the movie, you brainless fernheads) and the grandfather paradox be damned, I will not stand for anymore of this hippie sparkly vampire crap.

NPH motherfucker. Better reckognize!

So you know how sometimes when you go to a place and the people are all like: "Hey! I know you. Arent you that guy that played Doogie Howser?"

Man, that annoys me.

It's like... I don't even look like him. Seriously.

No no. The man responsible for achieving our suspension of disbelief in teenaged doctors is none other than a man. Wait, that was redundant.

It was a gay man. A gay man portraying a straight (or so we are presume) teenager.

That man... was Niel Patrick Harris.

NPH was born of humble beginnings. His parents of course were simple farm folk. They grew veggies and raised animals.

One day however, the young man was blessed by Thor, the norse god of thunder himself, with an otherworldly acting talent. It was then that he was all like, "I gotta put this to the test."

And so, he donned the white coat and became Doogie. I mean seriously, what kind of a name is Doogie? It's like doggie with a typo. And what is that short for? Dooglas? Doogbert?

Anyway...

The Ph in NPH stands for Pussy Handler. That is all you kneed to knoe. Fuck you. we should spell it like that anyway.

Witting boy!

So after two years of not being here-ness I have finally returned. As I mentioned in my previous post, I was off keeping the world safe for you weird little monkeys. Incredibly enough, I found that I was keeping the world safe from you weird little monkeys. Alas, stationed once more behind my keyboard and mouse, I shall set forth with my snarky wit. Oh, you shall know the wit. The wit will let you know whats going down.... with... the wit.. thing.


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Fart.


Hehehe.

so hey...

Just stopping by to let you know that you can expect new posts soon. I would like to apologize to my readership (all five of you) for my extended absence. There had been a situation, my assistance was needed. I'm not really at liberty to discuss, but monkeys were involved and armageddon has been averted. (you're WEL-COME, you ingrates) But that's really all I can say. Anywho, I'll be posting later tonight.

I hate needles. I really fucking hate needles.

It's been awhile since I last posted. I've been busy with a new job and haven't had that much spare time anymore(By spare time, please read: "my old job had open net access and I goofed off all day"). Thing is, I had a spare moment and decided to share with you an interesting fact about me.

I hate needles. Those of you who know me personally say: "But you have ink and piercings. Those are needles too." First off, fuck you. Fuck you long and hard. Fuck you with the rakey end of a rake. It is not the same deal. I can tell you from personal experience that you barely feel the needle used to pierce. And the sensation when getting tattooed is more like being scratched than being stabbed by a needle that is supposedly "hygenic" and "clean".

But no. It isnt so much the having the needle in my arm part that gets me. Its the blood. My blood belongs inside me. If it belonged outside me, it wouldn't be sealed away in my circulatory system, now would it?

The reason for this rant is that because of the new job I had to take a dope test. Now in the past whenever a dope test was in order, my pee(which belongs outside of me) is all that is required. But no! These bitches wanted not only me pee, but my blood and a complete physical! What, am I joining the marines or something?

I was not told about the blood part. So I get to the place and this nurse (or so she claimed) starts asking me to roll up my sleeves. Then out came the evil tool from the depths of hell. I bit my lip and looked the other way. She starts saying that my blood wont come out.

THAT'S CAUSE IT BELONGS INSIDE ME! CAN I STRESS THIS ENOUGH?!

She's loving this shit. Fucking sadist. Then she sticks me in the back of my hand and has the audacity to blame me for this, claiming I should relax.

RELAX?!

How am I supposed to relax when you are fucking stealing that which makes my body function?

How, I ask you! How?

So I looked her square in the eyes and let her have it:

"You're mean!"

Oh yeah, I said it.

So this bitch finally finished the harvesting and I could only assume she was gonna drink the stuff in order to take my wisdom and bravery (fuck you, by the way). Not statisfied with this she wants me to pee in a cup. A CUP! What is wrong with these people?

So when I give her the urine I make sure to ask her in my snidest tone of voice: "Any other bodily fluids you may require of me? Cause I can only think of one more, and I'd make you extract that one yourself."

I'm smooth like peanut butter.

She looked at me all like "Oh, I crave your cock!" and then told me to restrain myself or she'd have to call "security". Whatever the hell that means.

Finally the crazy fucker tells me to have a nice day. Thats right: Have a nice fucking day. Well, I would, sweetheart, I really would. But it's hard to have a nice day when you kick it off by getting jabbed twice and having your life esscence removed from you.

I hate needles. I really fucking hate needles.

-Sigo siendo rico, sigo siendo suave